"Man, you're so passive-aggressive I want to kill myself."
Stated a friend of mine exasperatedly a few days ago. I had heard the expression earlier, and had understood it in literal terms as well, however for some unexplainable reasons had never been able to associate myself with it. Or should I say was never able to give an expression to the type of behavior I was demonstrating. Or worse, not realizing that my behavior had a pattern which inevitably fell in to some category and people were judging me by it and for it.
It was a wake-up call. I wasn't smelling coffee, but the dark roasted coffee beans. It struck me in a quick flash that he had mentioned the expression before, but probably it was not with so much vehemence, and hence it hadn't affected me the way it did this time. I found myself getting defensive which is one of the traits of passive-aggressive behavior. As ironical as it could have got, I thought to myself later.
I decided to do a bit of dirt-digging on the subject myself. Albeit nervous, I was prepared to face the aftermath.
All it required of me to do was to type the phrase in the Google browser, and wait for the indefatigable engine to throw up a giant index of relevant results on the topic. And it did. In precisely 0.47 seconds, over 2.5 million articles listed on the searched keyword. As a next step, out of the top 10 search results, I picked which seemed the most obvious one of them and with baited breath let the mystery unfold. I know it all sounds very dramatic and has a lot to do with my Virgo oddities, but I couldn't help thinking over the top. Especially, since acceptance of myself has been a long-drawn battle, but more on that some other time. Having said that, this unquestionably was a crucial part of the process.
"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible." - The Wikipedia said.
Which part of this statement was supposed to cheer me up, I know not. Every adjective mentioned was negative to the core; it was unhealthy hence unwanted in any human being. It made me hate myself even more. Anywhoo, I decided to egg further. As I did, the next link that I opened contained a detailed description of this behavior scoped out in its full effulgence. I was quite startled to read that it was, at one point, considered to be a disorder, however when it was realized that all of us behave passive-aggressively based on circumstances, the pattern was reduced to a behavior type. Well, that was a relief. Only to some extent, of course.
Not surprisingly, when I read further my spirits dipped. The article described in detail all the demonstrable traits of passive-aggressive people, how to assess if you're behaving passive-aggressively, how is a passive-aggressive person perceived by others, and last but not the least, how to avoid behaving in a passive-aggressive way. Going back to the search page, I noticed more links to some related articles - The Secrets to Handling Passive-Aggressive People, How to Spot and Deal with Passive-Aggressive People, Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder to name a few. Man, we were a troubling lot.
My heart sunk.
My only saving grace in that minuscule moment was a really close friend of mine who I reckoned fell in the same category. "No wonder we get along so well!" I helplessly exclaimed.
But be that as it may, my mind was made up. I had to absolutely learn more about this catastrophic deportment that I seemed to be possessing or demonstrating, and get to the bottom of it. It was a matter of life and death. Well, almost.
One cursory read of the first article and I said to myself, "I'm doomed." Every single demonstrable attribute listed was totally identifiable. The only exception being - I do not procrastinate my work or do it with less sincerity. For me work is always top priority and nothing should affect it. But sadly it was not of much solace.
I'm not sure if I actually want to discuss the attributes of this behavior in detail. Or I think I should for it would then help me avoid continuing to be labeled or bracketed in some behavior category. That would be a nightmare. And the worst one at that.
How am I, however, supposed to change myself. I wouldn't want to really say 'accept' because undeniably this is not how I want myself to be forever. Also, because a large part of my acceptability for me rests on external factors and since they are not in my control I'm unable to make any progress. Having said that, I also wonder if I should have any dependencies at all as they certainly weaken my case.
Every day I find myself exhibiting at least one or the other character, or the same character which is more likely, that reminds me of being a member of this behavior club. And after reading about it in all its glory, I am now even more aware of the spectrum. It saddens me deeply at the end of each day. It seems to have crawled in to the subconscious level and has started to depress me off late.
Will I ever be able to unbracket myself, I'm not sure. But do I want to? Yes, I do. And it's funny I ask that to myself when I at least know what I should not be doing to be labeled such. But as I always feel and tell myself, "I lack the will to change." And this is again a clear reflection of the passive-aggressive behavior.
I have a long arduous journey ahead of me. And only the 'want' is not going to help. I need to bring in the 'will.'
Amen to that.
Stated a friend of mine exasperatedly a few days ago. I had heard the expression earlier, and had understood it in literal terms as well, however for some unexplainable reasons had never been able to associate myself with it. Or should I say was never able to give an expression to the type of behavior I was demonstrating. Or worse, not realizing that my behavior had a pattern which inevitably fell in to some category and people were judging me by it and for it.
It was a wake-up call. I wasn't smelling coffee, but the dark roasted coffee beans. It struck me in a quick flash that he had mentioned the expression before, but probably it was not with so much vehemence, and hence it hadn't affected me the way it did this time. I found myself getting defensive which is one of the traits of passive-aggressive behavior. As ironical as it could have got, I thought to myself later.
I decided to do a bit of dirt-digging on the subject myself. Albeit nervous, I was prepared to face the aftermath.
All it required of me to do was to type the phrase in the Google browser, and wait for the indefatigable engine to throw up a giant index of relevant results on the topic. And it did. In precisely 0.47 seconds, over 2.5 million articles listed on the searched keyword. As a next step, out of the top 10 search results, I picked which seemed the most obvious one of them and with baited breath let the mystery unfold. I know it all sounds very dramatic and has a lot to do with my Virgo oddities, but I couldn't help thinking over the top. Especially, since acceptance of myself has been a long-drawn battle, but more on that some other time. Having said that, this unquestionably was a crucial part of the process.
"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible." - The Wikipedia said.
Which part of this statement was supposed to cheer me up, I know not. Every adjective mentioned was negative to the core; it was unhealthy hence unwanted in any human being. It made me hate myself even more. Anywhoo, I decided to egg further. As I did, the next link that I opened contained a detailed description of this behavior scoped out in its full effulgence. I was quite startled to read that it was, at one point, considered to be a disorder, however when it was realized that all of us behave passive-aggressively based on circumstances, the pattern was reduced to a behavior type. Well, that was a relief. Only to some extent, of course.
Not surprisingly, when I read further my spirits dipped. The article described in detail all the demonstrable traits of passive-aggressive people, how to assess if you're behaving passive-aggressively, how is a passive-aggressive person perceived by others, and last but not the least, how to avoid behaving in a passive-aggressive way. Going back to the search page, I noticed more links to some related articles - The Secrets to Handling Passive-Aggressive People, How to Spot and Deal with Passive-Aggressive People, Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder to name a few. Man, we were a troubling lot.
My heart sunk.
My only saving grace in that minuscule moment was a really close friend of mine who I reckoned fell in the same category. "No wonder we get along so well!" I helplessly exclaimed.
But be that as it may, my mind was made up. I had to absolutely learn more about this catastrophic deportment that I seemed to be possessing or demonstrating, and get to the bottom of it. It was a matter of life and death. Well, almost.
One cursory read of the first article and I said to myself, "I'm doomed." Every single demonstrable attribute listed was totally identifiable. The only exception being - I do not procrastinate my work or do it with less sincerity. For me work is always top priority and nothing should affect it. But sadly it was not of much solace.
I'm not sure if I actually want to discuss the attributes of this behavior in detail. Or I think I should for it would then help me avoid continuing to be labeled or bracketed in some behavior category. That would be a nightmare. And the worst one at that.
How am I, however, supposed to change myself. I wouldn't want to really say 'accept' because undeniably this is not how I want myself to be forever. Also, because a large part of my acceptability for me rests on external factors and since they are not in my control I'm unable to make any progress. Having said that, I also wonder if I should have any dependencies at all as they certainly weaken my case.
Every day I find myself exhibiting at least one or the other character, or the same character which is more likely, that reminds me of being a member of this behavior club. And after reading about it in all its glory, I am now even more aware of the spectrum. It saddens me deeply at the end of each day. It seems to have crawled in to the subconscious level and has started to depress me off late.
Will I ever be able to unbracket myself, I'm not sure. But do I want to? Yes, I do. And it's funny I ask that to myself when I at least know what I should not be doing to be labeled such. But as I always feel and tell myself, "I lack the will to change." And this is again a clear reflection of the passive-aggressive behavior.
I have a long arduous journey ahead of me. And only the 'want' is not going to help. I need to bring in the 'will.'
Amen to that.
